The Day I Died

On June 29, 2003, I gave a talk in church on the topic of "Conquering One's Self." This was given shortly before I left to serve as a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for two years. I recall when the bishop in my ward invited me to speak on the topic, I immediately thought to speak about an event in my life that completely changed my trajectory. I share a portion of this talk publicly in hopes that it can be an influence for good. 

At the same time, I recognize that by my sharing of very personal things publicly it opens up the possibility of mocking and attacks from those who may not understand or appreciate spiritual things. Regardless, I hope potential positives outweigh any potential negatives. I also hope this may be helpful to anyone who seeks after better things in life, and in particular, to those who have a desire to follow Jesus Christ but feel like they are falling short. Below is a portion of the talk I gave that day (and being slightly edited from the original to help improve understanding or better represent my intent).

<Start of talk>

It is by the grace of God that you see me at this pulpit today. When I was between the ages of 13-15, I did not want to serve a mission. I did not like going to church. I did not like going to the temple, and I did not like to live the gospel of Jesus Christ. In fact, I willingly rebelled against some of the teachings of the church. I had a very bad attitude about this church.

During this time I had committed many sins of serious nature. But because of my internal state, I did not want to repent. I enjoyed my sins and I did not want to sacrifice them. However, my sins ended up blackening my soul so much that I became miserable and depressed. I lived in the very bowels of hell. I even briefly contemplated ways of committing suicide so I would not have to live with these pains. I wanted to cease to exist because my sins overcame me. I had lost my freedom. I was unable to change my ways... at least not alone. Something happened.

One night, I was sleeping and I had a dream. The dream was this: I was running on the sidewalk with a friend along the elementary school I attended as a child. Because we were racing, we got tired and decided to take a break. As we rested in the parking lot of the school, a man in a white coat came by. I asked him how he was doing, but I received an answer I wasn't expecting. He pulled out a handgun and shot me multiple times. I began feeling sensations of dying -- and my eyes began to roll up into my sockets and my hands began to curl inward. As I was dying, my sight darkened. The only thing I could do was hear my friend screaming in agony as he was being shot in the background. I was brutally murdered. I suppose I got what I thought I wanted -- death and an end to pain.

However, that's not exactly what happened. When I had those dying sensations I feared death so much that if, in reality, I were to die in my sins, I would have died a damned soul. I know God gave the dream to me, and that he had mercy and love for a confused boy. Because I feared death so much, I woke up from my dream crying. I then got down on my knees and pleaded with Heavenly Father. I told him I knew that what I was doing was wrong, and I needed his help to overcome my problems. I cried to him in prayer and asked him that I would have the desire to change my life. For the first time ever, I sincerely prayed. Even though I was in my wicked state, God was listening to me. I knew it. From that night forward, I had the goal in mind to begin the repentance process and to forsake what I had been doing wrong.

What I want the congregation to know is that I was not changed overnight. I was still full of sin and filth. The thing that did change was my desires. Repentance was very, very hard. Day in and day out I warred within myself. Part of me wanted to go back to my old ways, yet another part of me wanted to change and come clean before God. I began the long fight to conquer myself. The conflict within grew as each day passed. I was sorely tempted, and I did in fact go back to my old ways. By falling back into sin, God helped me more to keep the desire to change. I began to fast during some weeks to overcome my ways. I began to pray more earnestly. However, even by prayer and fasting I still faltered. I failed in my attempt to change my ways about three or four distinct times. I was beginning to get discouraged and was losing hope.

As I was trying to overcome my ways, I had the opportunity to go on a Pioneer Trek with my Stake. During the Pioneer Trek I felt the spirit and love of God so strongly it gave me strength and determination. With the Lord's help, after the Pioneer Trek I had never faltered again. I want to emphasize again to the congregation that it was a long and painful process to change. God was very patient with me. However, I was not out of the woods yet.

Although over the course of weeks and months I had stopped committing my grievous sins, I had not confessed them before the bishop. The struggle I had with confession was probably more severe than breaking my sinful habits. The war within my soul began again. Day after day my thoughts would plague me that I had not fully repented. The war within my soul raged and I would pray to God whether or not I needed to confess. I knew the scriptures taught we needed to confess, but I thought my situation was different. My father was bishop during these dark times, and I was far too prideful to tell him of my sins. I would have never confessed to my father had he remained bishop.

Days, weeks and months went by. I was racked with the conscience of my sins not being fully repented of. I would cover up my sins by taking the sacrament unworthily and even paying a full tithing. I even saved money toward a mission I didn't want to go on. I didn't want to give anyone a hint that I was unworthy and vile. I didn’t want anyone to know how I was feeling inside. That is why I pretended to be a good church member and do what was required on the outside.

Another reason for me delaying confession was because when I prayed whether to confess or not, God never told me "yes" or "no" directly. God answered my prayers in a different way. I only understood his answer in full until a little after the whole ordeal. God's answer was this as I perceived: By God not telling me "yes" or "no" he was saying the decision to confess will solely be mine. God did not forcefully influence my agency in any way for me to repent. The decision to change and confess was mine only. God answered my prayer by saying nothing. It was hard for me to accept that kind of answer, but I knew it was me who ultimately decided my fate.

As time went on, I had the opportunity to go to EFY (Especially For Youth) in the year 2000. Like the Pioneer Trek, God's spirit and love was so strong at EFY, I gained the determination and strength to finally confess to the bishop. I had finally conquered my pride sufficient enough to make the attempt to visit him. There was also a new bishop at that time, and his name was Bishop Degen. However, before scheduling an appointment, I was struck with fear. I thought: "How could a prior bishop's son confess to all these misdeeds? Me, the prior bishop's son was supposed to be an example to the ward. Yet I was probably the worst example of them all. What will Bishop Degen think of me? He'll remember everything I tell him!" However, in spite of those fears and trials, I made my appointment anyway. I came this far and I wasn't going back.

Well, I went in to see the bishop. What a wonderful experience it was! All fears and funny thoughts I had were dispelled. Visiting Bishop Degen to confess my sins was the greatest thing I had done in my life! I felt an awfully large burden taken off my shoulders. Confessing my sins made my repentance complete, and forsaking my sins gave me my freedom back.

Sometimes I feel the Lord raised up Bishop Degen just for me, so I could come clean before God. I urge everyone in this audience to talk to the bishop about any misdeeds in your life you haven't repented of and need to be resolved by Priesthood authority. Conquer your pride, conquer your fears, conquer your appetites, and conquer your passions. Fight the good fight within! It is the most righteous battle you can fight. Come clean before God! It will be worth it! I testify in Jesus Christ's name it will be worth it! I have never experienced so much love and joy in my life until I repented of my sins.

It is by God's grace that I am at this pulpit today. I would not be here if there was no God. I would not be here if there was no Christ. I would not be here if there was no atonement. I know these things are real. I testify of that. I want to publicly thank God for the dream he gave me that one glorious night. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for killing me. Though my old self is killed, I have been reborn through the Savior's grace. He has helped me overcome myself this much.

During this whole ordeal, it took me over two years to fully repent of my ways. Since the time I repented, I like to go church and I like to go to the temple. I want to go on a mission. The decision to serve a mission was solely mine. My parents have not forced me, my priesthood leaders have not forced me, and God has not forced me. I made the decision myself. I owe this mission to God. If it were not for him, I would not be standing here.

<End of talk>

Thomas S. Hartley